God's Total Quality Management Questionnaire

God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions. Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.

1. How did you find out about God?

Book of Mormon
Other Book
Divine Inspiration
Word of mouth
Dead Sea scrolls
My mama done tol' me
Near Death Experience
National Public Radio
Burning Shrubbery
Other (specify):

2. Which model God did you acquire?

Just plain God
Father, Son & Holy Ghost (Trinity Pak)
Zeus and entourage (Olympus Pak)
Odin and entourage (Valhalla Pak)
Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature
None of the above; I was taken in by a false god

3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?

Yes No

If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here. (Please check all that apply.)

Not eternal
Not omniscient
Not omnipotent
Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire universe
Permits sex outside of marriage
Prohibits sex outside of marriage
Makes mistakes (Geraldo Rivera, Jesse Helms)
When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched
Requires burnt offerings
Requires virgin sacrifices
Plays dice with the universe

4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a God? (Please check all that apply.)

Indoctrinated by parents
Needed a reason to live
Indoctrinated by society
Needed target for rage
Imaginary friend grew up
Hate to think for self
Wanted to meet girls/boys
Fear of death
To piss off parents
Needed a day away from work
Enjoy organ music
Needed focus on whom to despise
Needed to feel morally superior
Graduated from the tooth fairy
My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it

5. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? (Please check all that apply.)

Self-help books
Tarot, Astrology
Star Trek re-runs
Fortune cookies
Ann Landers
Psychic Friends Network
Cold fusion
Playboy and/or Playgirl
Sex, Drugs, and Rock & Roll
Area 57 (Art Bell)
Jimmy Swaggart
Crystals (not including Crystal Gayle)
Human Sacrifice
Wandering around in desert
Burning shrubbery

6. Have you ever worshiped a false God before? Is so, which false God were you fooled by? (Please check all that apply.)

The Almighty Dollar
The Conservative Right
Mick Jagger
Bill Gates
Art Bell
The Great Pumpkin
Ronald Reagan
A burning cabbage

7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Would you prefer (circle one only)

a. More Divine Intervention
b. Less Divine Intervention
c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
d. Don't know - what's Divine Intervention?

8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 to 5 God's handling of the following: (1 unsatisfactory, 5 excellent)


1 2 3 4 5 Flood
1 2 3 4 5 Famine
1 2 3 4 5 Earthquake
1 2 3 4 5 War
1 2 3 4 5 Pestilence
1 2 3 4 5 Plague
1 2 3 4 5 AOL
1 2 3 4 5 Republican Congress
1 2 3 4 5 Dubya
1 2 3 4 5 My present relationship
1 2 3 4 5 My last relationship


1 2 3 4 5 Rescues
1 2 3 4 5 Spontaneous remissions
1 2 3 4 5 Crying statues
1 2 3 4 5 Water changing to wine
1 2 3 4 5 Walking on water
1 2 3 4 5 Stars hovering over towns
1 2 3 4 5 VCRs that set their own clocks
1 2 3 4 5 Clear and competent statements by the President
1 2 3 4 5 My present relationship
1 2 3 4 5 My last relationship

9. Please rate the following on a scale of 1 to 5 (1 unsatisfactory, 5 excellent):

1 2 3 4 5 God's Courtesy
1 2 3 4 5 Answers to your prayers
1 2 3 4 5 Are your spiritual needs being met?
1 2 3 4 5 How are your shrubs doing?

10. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's service