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1audiohack
12-24-2009, 10:01 AM
The Theory of Irrational Relativity and its Impact on the Audio Experience



By Dr Barry Singleton 12/23/2009


It is amazing to me how much thought and debate the subject of wire and cable can create. Indeed the subject has divided our audio community into two very polarized groups who will not give one inch to the other. I have no intention of getting embroiled in the debate. I believe the exposure of some of the facts may help to unify and enlighten the group.
Einstein said ďIt is the theory that decides what we can observe.Ē
Heyser said ďThen the frame of reference establishes the form which that theory will take.Ē
Steinmetz said ďAll our sense perceptions are limited by, and attached to the conception of time and space. Modern physics has come to the conclusion in the Relativity Theory that absolute time and absolute space have no existence, but time and space exist only as far as things or events fill them Ė that is they are forms of sense perception.Ē
ďStill greater, greater and more pertinent is another limitation of sense perception, our senses can perceive finite things, but cannot perceive the infinite. No reasoning from any foundation can put anything into the conclusion which is not contained in the foundations, and thus with our sense perceptions finite, all conclusions from them, - that is the entire structure of science to deal with an infinite conception as the infinite in time and space, immortality, and the conception of God ect, in short all these interrelated conceptions discussed above must fail and lead to contradictions, be illogical.Ē
Well guess what? Electrons are infinite and cannot be destroyed, at least by mere mortals. They can go in and out of existence, at least existence as we perceive it, seemingly at will. Donít believe it? Ask anyone who uses a computer, ďWhere the hell did my data go?!?Ē
OK, Iím going to help you out here. This might be hard for some of you to grasp unless you have been subjected to the American University system and or experimented with hallucinogens (for years) or have sustained other substantial brain trauma. Look Iím serious so try to keep up OK?
After years of diligent research I have determined that electrons are immortal entities, complete with personalities and desires, much like us and yet like unto small gods that are born anew when metals are smelted and refined. When you buy wire and cable they are already filled with these ďreincarnatedĒ electrons that in their journey out and back onto our existence are as babes, having forgotten all. Like Adam and Eve, they are just hanging around wondering what to do. Even thought they are keenly aware of one another, they just sit there,,, until you connect that wire to something that knows what to do. Now before we go further, into electron psychotherapy, (a field I just created) letís get you familiar with some of the facts.
Electrons donít travel through a conductor at the speed of light, not even close. However a wave propagates through the conductor at about 69.999997% the speed of light. Still thatís pretty damn fast. This equates to about 130,200 miles per second or 677,039,971 feet per second. They can accomplish this in regular old copper, but I submit to you that they can do it better if the wire, cable or other conductor is properly conditioned. This is work the electrons will perform themselves if the conditions are made right, it does take a little time. Just remember nature yields nothing to worth having to force, only to understanding. Expensive cables ďcome inĒ over time. I will tell you why.
Time for an analogy, when you drive on a pothole ridden road, how is your attitude as compared to you driving on a new smooth road with crisply painted lines and bright reflectors? Road rage would be nonexistent with no traffic jams and beautiful roads; in fact a drive on a beautiful and smooth road can be therapeutic. So it is on the electron highway. So you need your electrons to perform work for you, your amplifier compels them to, but how do you think they feel after traveling down that freaking zip cord you gave them for a road to work? By the time they get to work after a trip down the dirt road you call speaker wires they are not happy, and they will tell you about it if you will only listen. It gets even worse; an electron sees an inductor as a jammed intersection and a capacitor a dead end, with an invisible barrier in the middle. These electron are hurrying to the voice coil with the full intent of doing some creative work only to pile up against each other and BAMM, stop just in time to watch the electrons on the other side of the barrier take off to do the work they were about to do. About now they have the attitude of the average DMV employee.
I know at this point you have an incredible emotional urge to go and do anything else, but you wonít, because you have nothing better to do and there isnít much happening on this site anyway, so take a shot (or hit) of something strong and settle in for an education.
What you need to know is what it takes to make and keep your electrons happy. Now I know youíre wondering how in the hell could he possibly know what makes electrons happy? This is as good a time as any to tell you.
A couple of years ago I suffered carbon monoxide poisoning while riding around in the back of a truck while vacationing in Baja Mexico. I got delirious and fell out receiving a moderate head injury. While in the hospital in Mexico, laying on the cool metal table in the MRI machine it all became clear to me. Wait donít laugh! I am not making any of this up! They really have one down there. I saw it.
By the way do you know how one of those things work? Itís like this, the MRI subjects you to a very strong magnetic impulse that takes the electrons in your tissue and raises them to a higher energy level, and this also reverses their direction of spin. Itís kind of like a crack party for them. Anyway when the field is cut off they fall back to their normal energy level and when they do this to express their disappointment they emit a photon, a colorful metaphor for an electron if you will. The MRI has an array of very sensitive sensors that pick up this light coming out of your body. Any way while laying there with this electron break dance party going on in my head I was able to really get in touch with my electrons. This may also explain my love of Techron amplifiers; they use them in MRIís. You should try it some time; hey some people play golf, what ever.
Ok letís get down to it; here is what electrons like to do. They like to spin and do the wave, but they really like to fly, and their favorite way is through the vacuum of space after rubbing down with some thorium, yes electrons like vacuum tubes. We have somehow suspected this for over a century and known this since the advent of solid state amps, and now you know why. The obvious conclusion is that if you want the best sound you need happy electrons. This can be accomplished by carefully building them an adventure spa consisting of tube amps, expensive wire, and simple crossovers.
OK back to cables, you donít know this because up until this moment this was top secret but since a patent has been issued I can tell you there is a wire treatment so superior to anything you can imagine it can allow electrons to exceed the speed of light in a copper wire. There is a problem with that as it will render the system of interest ďacausalĒ, meaning the effect precedes the cause. This is very dangerous so the treatment must be applied in a most precise manner. Now I know this sounds absurd but such is the magic of ďupuranium.Ē This treatment is applied by very special people, people that have been abducted by aliens and ďprobed.Ē The wire is passed through a certain body cleft at a precise speed while the technicians are comfortably seated on a pure white porcelain Kohler think tank. This is all done in Snowflake Arizona. Then the cable is moved, untouched by human hands to a secret place in the Midwest where it is then carefully coiled in crop circles and properly aged under the moon light, (until the smell goes away). It is then ready for use however it has come to our attention that some of you are using Hostess Ding-Dongs as cable elevation devises! Out of concern for you health (we donít want to kill you cause you wonít buy more stuff) we are awaiting the FDA approval for a final post process for your safety but please, just in case, donít strip our wire with your teeth.
As a side note we also have a direct contact soft cryogenic treatment scheme for Ding Dongs using liquid propane. This renders them white (a good thing because the kids wonít recognize them) and useless as food for insects and rodents. $37.50 USD each, free domestic shipping. As an added bonus you can use them for heat and light in the event of a power failure, simply ignite them in an ashtray in your microwave, about two hours on high usually gets them going.
We guarantee that quality aside, Upuranium cables to be the most expensive cables money can buy. Furthermore we will not be oversold; in the unlikely event that you find a more expensive we will gladly, no questions asked match prices with anyone. Remember, if itís not Upuranium, itís just crap.
One last thing, a word of caution. Once educated, electrons are promiscuous. Now that you have created a Club Med for your electrons you must be watchful about immigration infiltration, let me explain. Your audio system is for the most part a closed loop system, divided but magnetically coupled by the transformers in the chassis of your audio components to the national power grid. So what you say, listen, these are battle hardened electrons, they have been abused in arc furnaces, inverter controlled motors, welding processes and worse. They are the rental cars of electrons, they are unappreciated, uncared for, overworked and they are angry! You have seen the depiction of them on utility transformers, ladders and all sorts of warning decals reaching out and electrocuting people! Yeah those are the bastards we are talking about. Well they can feel your pampered virtuous electrons though the transformers and they want in! The problem is that they are like pirates, they donít want to come in and relax and become citizens of your utopia, no they want to come rape pillage and plunder and leave your system in ruins. OK look, you can lock your daughter behind her bedroom door, but they are already in your house!!! You know what I am saying.

The author holds a B.S. in E.E. (Electric Engines) a Doctorate in B.S. and a Masters in Irresponsible Economics.


I wrote this in response to, and thought about placing this on Punch's speaker wire thread , however I didn't want want to risk the possibility of damage to his thread when moderators who in their rage and haste to protect you from this information delete it.

Happy Holiday's!
Barry.

Eaulive
12-24-2009, 10:17 AM
Thanks for the laugh :applaud:

old guy
01-04-2010, 10:37 AM
Good laugh, then I sobered.

Kevin Trudeau makes millions publishing medical books that make less sense than that dissertation....:barf:

jcrobso
01-04-2010, 12:42 PM
I had a hard time reading 1audiohack's post because I kept falling off the chair!:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:
That was such a good post, nice way to start off the new year with a good laugh.:D

grumpy
01-04-2010, 01:13 PM
Yes. Please leave the foil on the Ding-Dongs if cyrogenic (or LP gas)
treatment is attempted. That's what the foil is there for (to protect the
delicate chocolate dermis from frost-burn)... that, or to save up
and make tinfoil hats from.

Sounds as though Dr. Barry had some work experience at Lirpa Labs... ;)

scott fitlin
01-04-2010, 01:49 PM
Lirpa Labs... ;)OMG, Lirpa Labs! :applaud:

I haven't heard that name in years. :bouncy:

WDJ
01-04-2010, 02:27 PM
I'm not sure which was more fun; the Lirpa issues or the letters to the editor in the following months....

Still have a couple of them; shower mic and the phono-cartridge carrying car are around here somewhere.

JeffW
01-04-2010, 05:04 PM
Dr. Singleton is obviously an expert in the speaker cable field!

Such a concise explanation surely deserves Sticky Status.

jcrobso
01-05-2010, 09:26 AM
I'm not sure which was more fun; the Lirpa issues or the letters to the editor in the following months....

Still have a couple of them; shower mic and the phono-cartridge carrying car are around here somewhere.
I loved the April issues:applaud:.

Ken Andrew
01-07-2010, 03:59 AM
I got so sucked in by mumbo jumbo that I had to visit my own Kohler half way through. Upuranium so cleverly describes the manufacturing process. Unfortunately the alternative name, uranus, has been sequestered by the astronomical community.

Note This forum has an international readership and it is inconvenient to use Wikipedia frequently for just one article.

BMWCCA
01-07-2010, 11:14 PM
Note This forum has an international readership and it is inconvenient to use Wikipedia frequently for just one article. Why would that be? Just curious. :confused:

Audiobeer
01-08-2010, 05:27 PM
Anybody got a wet wipe?:D